Redefining what it means to parent when your child has addiction
unfamiliar—even uncomfortable—new parenting techniques.
1. You can’t “fix” the problem.
It’s common for parents to think that, with extra love and care, they can make their child’s addiction go away. By keeping a closer eye on their child, or always being there with hugs and healthy meals, or somehow loving them even more, parents believe they can “fix” everything. Other parents go the “containment” route, setting stringent rules and boundaries in hopes of controlling their child’s addiction. In truth, parents can’t love away or contain their child’s addiction. What parents can do is set healthy boundaries and clearly communicate expectations, making it more difficult for their child to manipulate and push limits.
2. Denial doesn’t make addiction disappear.
Despite warning signs and other seemingly conspicuous indicators, a young person’s addiction may come as a shock to the family system. Roselle notes that parents who turn to Hazelden for help often comment that they had no idea about the depth or severity of their child’s condition. “Parents who sense their son or daughter is drinking or using other drugs should trust their gut and start asking questions,” says Roselle. “Get things out in the open,” she advises. “Don’t walk on eggshells. Make a phone call. Seek out answers and assistance.”
3. “Helping” might actually be “enabling.”
Keeping your children safe and secure is the most fundamental job of parenting. When a child has addiction, however, “helping” can suddenly become “enabling”—and everything a parent knows about loving and effective parenting no longer applies. For example, when a child becomes ill, parents will do whatever they can to provide care. This might mean staying up all night, cleaning up vomit, making sure the child is resting comfortably. But if a child comes home stumbling drunk and the parent stays up all night cleaning up vomit and making sure the child is comfortable, that’s “enabling” and preventing the child from experiencing the consequences of his or her behaviour.
4. You can get off at any floor.
Hitting bottom in addiction means reaching a point when the pain from using alcohol or other drugs temporarily outweighs the benefit. It’s the point at which the alcoholic or addict becomes willing to change. People have different pain thresholds. Getting kicked out of school might be one adolescent’s “bottom,” for example, while it might be just a bump in the road for someone else. When parents cushion those “bottoms” for a child struggling with addiction by making excuses or cleaning up the mess, the young person does not experience the full, painful consequences of their behaviour—and the disease continues to progress. Roselle reminds parents that the ultimate “bottom” with addiction is death, but, as the popular recovery saying goes, “You don’t have to ride the elevator all the way to the basement. You can get off at any floor.”
5. You’re on a journey, too.
The stress of living with addiction takes a toll on all family members. And, just as their child builds a new life in recovery, parents have work to do in identifying the beliefs and experiences that shape their own behaviours and attitudes around addiction so they can develop new, healthy ways of coping with addiction. In working with parents, Roselle emphasizes the importance of keeping the lines of communication open within the family, and seeking help through therapy, Al-Anon, and other sources of support. And she offers true hope. “Recovery is stronger than addiction,” says Roselle. “When your child has addiction, it’s not the end of the world. Living in recovery may be a different world than you expected, but it can be even more beautiful and brilliant than you could ever imagine.”
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